"Man, I love playing crappy teams!"
Miami Heat: What an appalling display of terrible basketball. Since even glancing at the box score makes me feel indescribably dirty, here's what Matt from Hardwood Paroxysm said to me in an email: "No KG. No Ray Allen. Leon Powe: 25 and 11. They let Leon Powe get a double double. They lost by 30! 30! Do you know how hard it is to lose to that team without two of the big 3? The D-League All-Stars would take those guys to overtime! This is absurd. This is a performance of epic terribleness. This is suck, the likes of which we have not seen since Speed Zone, the non-Cannonball-Run titled Cannonball Run movie. This redefines ineptitude. This team is like some sort of submarine that runs on shitty basketball. But it only patrols feces infested waters. This is like the 300 of being bad at Basketball. It's hyper-dramatic and epic."

Dwyane Wade: Okay, I couldn't not mention this: Pookie shot 1-for-9 and left after the third quarter with flu-like symptoms. I can't say I blame him. It's human instinct to run as far away as possible from such a frightening disaster.

Pat Riley: Isn't Riles supposed to be the Great Motivator? I mean, this is the guy who came up with 15 Strong and trade-marked the term three-peat. Yet he couldn't stir the hearts of his players enough to get a hand in the face of Leon Powe? Wow. Said Riley: "I'm embarrassed by the effort." Good. He should be.

Carlos Delfino: Uh, thanks for showing up to work last night, Carlos. But...are you feeling okay? Is everything okay at home? Because 1 point (0-for-6) and 2 rebounds in 23 minutes wasn't quite what we'd expect from somebody who used to play for Fortitudo Pallacanestro Bologna. Then again, maybe it is.

Stephen Graham: Little "Stevie" played 19 seconds against the Pistons last night, accomplishing nothing other than to create an anomoly in the box score. It's like Jim O'Brien subbed him in and then realized, "Wait, that was Stevie Graham, not Travis Diener! Man, all these crappy players are starting to look alike to me." (Okay, okay. Diener had 18 points on 6-for-10 shooting, so he's officially "not crappy" for at least one game.)

Fun fact: Did you know Steve has a fraternal twin named Joey? And -- get this -- Joey plays for the Toronto Raptors! In fact, Joe played 7 minutes against the Wizards last night, scoring zero points (0-for-4) and grabbing 2 rebounds. So I guess poop doesn't fall far from the butthole, huh? Also, both brothers graduated from Oklahoma State with degrees in Aviation Management and are licensed pilots. Well, at least they should be able to find a Clark Kent job when their basketball careers are over. Which should be any day now.

Jason Collins: The lid is back on the basket! Collins had his 25th scoreless game of the season (out of 41 games played) by going 0-for-0 in 11 minutes of aimless wandering up and down the court. He did have a two rebounds and a couple turnovers, though.

Vince Carter: He scored 16 points last night. And it "only" took him 22 shots to do it. I'm not a statisticologist, but I'm pretty sure that's less than one point per shot.

Minnesota Timberwolves: The Bulls were missing three of their top five scorers (Luol Deng, Ben Gordon, and Joe Smith) as well as their backup point guard (Chris "C-Du" Duhon), and they still handled the Wolves with relative ease. Hey, didn't Minnesota beat the Suns and Warriors a few games ago? I guess if Al Jefferson doesn't score a career high, they don't win.

Golden State Warriors: What a fun, entertaining game. But the way Yao Ming manhandled the Warriors' front line (36 points, 19 rebounds) showed, once again, that the Warriors could really use a defensive-minded big man. Yet they signed Chris Webber. Hey, I know Don Nelson is all about out-of-the-box thinking, but that move seems more like out-of-the-mind thinking.

Bonzi Wells: Hold on a second, Wells is supposed to be a scorer, right? And the Warriors haven't played any defense for at least a hundred games or so, right? Then what's up with the 3 points (0-for-1) in 17 minutes?

Trade McGrady: Out with flu-like symptoms, huh? Well, I've seen the Camp CHEN-A-WANDA video, so excuse me if I'm a little skeptical.

Atlanta Hawks defense: I know the Suns are good. Really good, even. But 64 percent shooting?! Even Boris Diaw was 8-for-10! Hawks coach Mike Woodson said: "We just didn't show up tonight. (We) should be embarrassed." He's not wrong.

Atlanta Hawks offense: They took 100 shots and missed 67 of them (34 percent). They lost the ball 19 times. They also had their junk stuffed by the Suns 19 times! Man, they're going to tasting Wilsonburger for a week.

Joe Johnson: This was Joe's big chance to show the Suns what they're missing. Yeah, it didn't happen: 9 points (3-for-14), 1 assist, and 3 turnovers.

Phoenix Suns rebounding: The Suns played a great all-around game. The offense was beyond amazing -- they scored 125 points on 64 percent shooting. The defense was equally fantastic -- they held the Hawks to 92 points on 34 percent shooting by blocking 19 shots and forcing 19 turnovers. But they still got pounded on the boards 50-36. They also gave up 26 offensive rebounds. This rebounding thing is going to come back to haunt them, mark my words.

San Antonio Spurs: I know they haven't been playing well, and I know they aren't very good on the road. And yeah, Tony Parker is out with one of his fake injuries. But they're still the defending champs. They still have Tim Duncan. Yet they fell to what was then a 9-win team that had lost 14 consecutive games. You know, I'm starting to think this whole "The Spurs are just laying low" thing is a work of fiction.

Robert Horry: Zero points (0-for-1) and 1 assist in 9 minutes. Watching him play these days just makes me sad.

Earl Watson: Whoa there, Earl; 0-for-8 shooting? I didn't see this game. Can we confirm that he was shooting at the right basket?

Luke Walton: I didn't want to believe this about the Son of Walton, but I'm really starting to think that last year's breakout season was yet another example of the Contract Year Phenomenon. Last night, Luke scored zero points (0-for-3) and grabbed a couple rebounds before leaving the game with a hip pointer. With all the surpise and success of the Lakers' rejuvenation this season, it's a damn shame Walton isn't a part of it.

Hey you! Yeah, you. Haven't read the NBA Closer yet? Then what are you waiting for, Kobe Bryant to pass the ball?

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Dwyane Wade, Golden State Warriors, Jason Collins, Miami Heat, Minnesota Timberwolves, Pat Riley, Phoenix Suns, San Antonio Spurs, Tracy McGrady, Worst of the Night