Welcome to Worst of the Night: What I watched/What I expected/What I got -- NBA edition! The concept is simple: If a picture is worth a thousand words, then three pictures and some glib comments can sufficiently describe the bawful. Lets get this party started.
What I watched: Cleveland Cavaliers at Houston Rockets.
What I expected: Can Artest defend LeBron? TNT WE KNOW DRAMA.
What I got: Von "I'm not a German cookie" Wafer stealing the show. Oh, and Cleveland's bawful failure at stopping Yao (28-8 on 13-15 shooting), leading to a 93-74 loss.
(DVD Bonus!: The original picture for the third frame was Footbawful's "Potato Sack Party
" with the word "suck" photoshop'd on all the sacks, until I realized how wrong it looked and would probably get me busted by Chris Hansen
What a complete brickfest devoid of basketball. The Craboliers went 3-17 (17%) and the Kneeless Houstonians made just 5-18 (28%). The first two possessions of the game were traveling, traveling. It was almost as if the officials wanted to set the tone for a certain crustacean of ours...
The Ohioan King Crab led the brick-laying masonry, cooked by three early fouls, including two charges, Yao in the paint, and the Artest/Battier combo getting their hands on his carapace. He finished with 21-1-0 on 7-for-21 shooting, and a complete smother chicken
in the 4th courtesy of C-3PYao
. James promptly limped off the floor
from the resulting ego-ectomy
, which is unfortunately bitter since earlier, teammate Ben Wallace continued playing with a broken leg for a quarter before finally getting crutches.
Artest explained his views of defending LeBron in a TNT interview: "The only, the only difference between LeBron, he's just so much more athletic than what I am. He reminds me of uhh, of a new improve, uh, you know a new improved Ron Artest" Oh Ron. Just when I thought you couldn't leave me speechless ever again. And talking in fragmented. Sentences.
Didn't even blink. Violet Palmer delivers inconsistency with Tim Duncan-esque consistency. Other obligatory actions on the night included a Scola vs Varejao face-off that ended with a flop and a LeBron travelling call.
(DVD Bonus!: GIS'ing "Violet Palmer" with SafeSearch off reveals some NSFW pictures of an amateur with the unfortunate same name. It's pretty surreal to see pictures of NBA players and coaches arguing right next to screencaps of a girl deep in "thought".)
What I watched: Phoenix Suns vs Los Angeles Lakers.
What I expected: Kobe and Shaq together again TNT WE KNOW DRAMA.
What I got: Craig Sager with a cross-section of an eyeball teaching us about the retina injuries. Oh, and a basketball game that was done before it even started.
The Suns gave up 70 first-half points, and with too many "I'll play hero and try to fill Nash's shoes" stupid plays and turnovers, I would have been satisfied if the Suns just brought out an actual fence for more effective D.
I was misinformed (but the Internet never lies!) thinking that Barkley was in jail, but turns out Sir Charles will serve five days starting March 21st. It's great to see him back on TV, and I hope he can make it for the 26th's games, because he really makes watching Phoenix's bawful far less turrible.TNT/Comcast/whoever screwed up:
For letting 2+ minutes of video blackout and 7+ minutes worth audio blackout occur during garbage time of the blowout. I'm trying to watch the lacktion here for a blog!Kobe Bryant:
He convinced Luke to download Antivirus 2009
, then used the backdoor to spam Luke's computer with popups for pills that can increase his size. And then planted fake love letters from Adam Morrison on his Desktop. And then ate a bunny. Without taters
The goons of SomethingAwful
and ADTRW, for the current watch/expected/got format.Lacktion report:
A brief lacktion update from Chris
Cavs-Rockets: Looks like the crustaceans didn't manage their lacktators correctly, in a 19 point loss to Clutch The Bear's squad. Tarence Kinsey returned to the bench but is still shaking off the devestating effects of his starting stint, reflexively aiming for the net and sadly succeeding with a field goal that negated a brick-and-foul special.About the author: AnacondaHL
Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson was baked by a board, cooking away a one-brick performance. Thus Mike Brown lacktivated JJ Hickson for an unremarkable +1 (foul) in 4:03 - and when the Crabs have to rely on their third-in-command off the sand, it's not surprising that Houston cracked them on the scoreboard.
is a grizzled Internet veteran who watches in despair as his favorite team, the Phoenix Suns, struggles towards June 2010. When not wasting time at his Clark Kent job
to read BasketBawful, he can be found playing the Internet computer game du jour, learning how to make small talk at said job by watching some other TV shows, wondering why the Diamonbacks have seven team colors, and browsing other obscure things on the Internet. He hopes someday to learn four languages, discover the Higgs boson (UPDATE: Go America! Tevatron
, represent!), name the largest number in the world after himself, have an intelligent conversation about anime with someone, and to eat a crab grown in Akron.
Labels: Cleveland Cavaliers, fan submissions, Lebron James, Phoenix Suns, whatiwatchedexpectedgot