Every year we honor the best players in the NBA with an exciting, entertaining All-Star game. So naturally it's only appropriate that we honor the worst players in the NBA with a ridiculous, hopelessly goofy Null-Star game! I'm sure Sprite, State Farm, and all the other sponsors that show up in the game footage are quite proud to be associated with it. (I expect a cease-and-desist letter any day now.)
The Eastern Conference Null-Stars earned home court advantage after their unbelievable domination of the Western Conference Null-Stars in last year's game
for their second consecutive victory. The game was simulated in NBA 2K12 with five-minute quarters. I intentionally set the game up to be a bit ridiculous, with the player tendencies set to more "all-star game" style (they were encouraged to go in the paint and shoot threes) but also with their success rate and talent level dropped exceptionally low. You will see how this effected the game very obviously...
The rosters for this game were carefully chosen by reviewing the lacktion reports Chris has tracked all season, utilizing the highly advanced metrics of Marios
, suck differentials
, and Voskuhls
. Here are your 2011-2012 Basketbawful Null-Stars, along with their most noteworthy lacktive contributions of the season!
(Biedrins, Greene, Childress, Magloire, Walker, and Diop were all DNP-CDs for this game, but are still worthy of being honored as Null-Stars)
Special recognition for Jason Kapono -- he is our only three time Null-Star! Also let's take a moment to celebrate DeSagana Diop, Semih Erden, and Ryan Hollins for each making their second Null-Star game. It's quite an accomplishment to survive in the league for multiple seasons despite being utterly horrible at basketball.
And now, enjoy BawfulTV's coverage of the game
. Here's Kevin Harlan, Steve Kerr, and Clark Kellog with the call, and Doris Burke reporting from the sidelines. While we don't have the blown dunks that have graced previous Null-Star games, I am pretty certain you will agree this is the most bawful edition of the game yet.
2nd Quarter and Halftime Show:
4th Quarter and Game Recap:
For the Western Conference, Devin Ebanks racked up 2 turnovers with no contributory statistics on two shot attempts in his 10 minutes on the floor for a 2:0 Voskuhl and a +4 suck differential. Andrew Goudelock had 2 turnovers and 2 bricks (one from downtown) for a +2 suck differential. Cory Joseph and Josh Selby both cashed in for 2 trillion.
Most Bawful Player:
This is entirely subjective, but the first half performance by Josh McRoberts may be the worst minutes played in professional basketball history. A toddler with vertigo could handle the rock more effectively. But as far as full game performance goes? Isaiah Thomas was a staggering -35 in 12 minutes, with three turnovers and only one rebound.
A couple players such as Jimmer Fredette apparently were involved in some sort of disturbing medical experiment prior to the game, and thus have the head and legs of their usual body, but the arms of a man with much darker skin. It's nearly as bawful as the mass decapitation that occurred last season with Von Wafer's near-chaos dunk.