Hey Orlando Magic fans…your team is mailing this season
in. Not your players, they’ll play their
little hearts out I’m sure. But the front
office has created a team that is sure to challenge the Bobcats for the title
of Worst in the East. You don’t have to take my word for it. The Orlando
Sentinel notes that "
winning can't be the be-all and end-all, not when the Magic must strive for the highest lottery pick possible."
How’s that for a season ticket campaign? “2012-13 Orlando
Magic: Striving for the highest lottery pick possible.” It’s either that or “2012-13 Orlando Magic:
Because really, you can only go to Disney World so many times.”
In order to prepare you for a season filled with L’s, I’m
going to do you a favor and mail this blog post in. I have put as little effort as possible into constructing the framework of this article.
You can send thank your cards to my
I recommend Magic
fans go with the four-fingered eye-gouge this year.
Let me demonstrate.
Here are the possibilities for the Magic’s starting five:
PG – Jameer Nelson
SG – Arron Afflalo or JJ Redick
SF – Hedo Turkoglu (possibly Harrington)
PF – Gustavo Ayon/Al Harrington/Glen Davis triumvirate of mediocrity
C – Nikola Vucevik (possibly Ayon)
1) You have the Turkish
, and, if we are going to use that nickname with a straight
face, the Mexican
2) You contain the possibility, with a well-timed trade for a white point
guard, to utilize the whitewash lineup strategy.
3) The drinking game in which you tip one back every time Big Baby throws a
tantrum will be a sure-fire way to get a nice buzz.
4) Your second-stringers are absolutely the best in the league. Any team would
kill to have Afflalo, Ayon, Turkoglu and Redick coming off the bench.
1) Your starting lineup is made up of players who would make great
2) Your front office is intentionally seeking to put the worst possible lineup on
the floor in order to have a slightly higher chance at getting a ping-pong ball
to bounce their way, with the goal of landing a franchise-changing player in
the draft. You know, a guy like a
Shaquille O’Neal or Dwight Howard.
Someone like that. Because THIS
time…I bet he’ll stay.
3) The attention-hungry oversized child with the really broad shoulders who can’t
seem to develop any semblance of a post move will have his smiling face plastered
all over ESPN this year. And you can’t even stay mad at him, because deep down,
you know that your 12 year-old has more maturity and is more of an adult than
4) You can only go to Disney World so many times.